At some point in time, your phone will ring, or you will hear through the grapevine that someone you care about is terminally ill. Your heart will sink and questions will race through your mind: What should I do? What if I say the wrong thing?

Most folks show up after someone has died with a bucket of fried chicken or flowers for the grieving family members. But what about that time between the terminal diagnosis and death? This is when your loved one or caregiving friend needs you the most, and undoubtedly the most difficult time to show up.

In Inky, My Dad & Me, I tell the story of my turning point from cautious optimism to the harsh reality that my kitty, Inky, and my Dad were both dying. I share my experiences through their end-of-life stages and include in each chapter a “What You Can Do” section for friends and caregivers. The book also includes a link to a downloadable version of the “Friends & Caregivers’ Guidebook,” designed to help you organize critical information, such as Hospice contacts, nurse schedules, and volunteer tasks.

I found a way to be fully present for my furry kid and my father and received gifts and lessons along the way. By sharing my experience with you, I hope to bring you, your friends, and loved ones closer to peace during this intensely difficult time.

Meet Inky & My Dad

In 2010, two people I loved dearly were dying – my black, Burmese kitty, Inky, and my dad, Rowe Motley. As I began to take care of them during their transitions from this life to the next, I searched desperately for care labels and instruction manuals. I discovered, aside from the Hospice staff, that hardly anyone talked about the nitty gritties of death and dying in tactical terms. It was a tough year of feeling my way through the dark, trying one thing and then another, until things felt right, or at least tolerable.

My kitties, Inky and Stinky

My parents, Rowe and Alma

Timelines & crumpled envelopes

When I decided two years later to revisit my journal entries from the longest 12 caregiving months of my life, themes started to appear. Everything I experienced with Inky, I then experienced with my dad. Inky was my teacher for how to be fully present for my dad. I fished an empty, crumpled envelope out of my purse and scribbled my thoughts on paper. I then realized I had an outline for a book. During that time, I talked to several friends who asked, ” My sister/friend/father is dying. What do I do?” After a few consultations, my friends said, “You need to write this down.”